If you’ve been called “too direct,” that probably means you are delivering clear messages in an abrasive manner. Since communication clarity is a prized ability, here are some ways to decrease the chances that you’ll be perceived as abrasive.
Here’s why you may be perceived as too direct/abrasive:
#1 You dominate and attempt to control the environment.
Your need to be in control could show up as:
- Taking a lot of air-time during conversations
- Getting into arguments easily and trying to prove you are correct
- Offering a greater than average number of opinions
- Presenting as strong and confident, with little vulnerability or patience for others’ vulnerability
If any of these ring true for you, is it possible that you could be perceived as dominating? Dominating personalities are likely to be perceived as abrasive.
#2 You are a cultural outlier.
Abrasiveness is relative, so you need to figure out if you are an outlier in your company’s culture. One way to test for that is by paying attention to how others give feedback.
Choose a group of 5-10 people to analyze, including a leader, peers, and team members. Pay attention to instances when they offer critical feedback.
- Was their feedback offered with many people around or with fewer?
- How much context for their comment did they provide?
- Did they use statements like “I was thinking,” or “I was wondering” as a preface to their comment?
How similar is your feedback style to others’? If your feedback is more critical relative to others’, you can be perceived as abrasive.
#3 Your messages are judgmental and final.
There are a few elements that can make your comment seem particularly abrasive:
- Did you add judgment words (e.g. bad, poorly done, ill-conceived)?
- Did you make comments about the person’s abilities and tendencies, or was your feedback focused on the idea only?
- Did your comment end the conversation? Or did it open up further discussion?
If you stick with offering the facts without an editorial, and avoid “mic drop” moments, you could be perceived as less abrasive.
The tendency to be very direct often stems from particular deeply ingrained behaviors. Start by understanding which behaviors may be too abrasive for the audience.
If you have questions about adjusting your communication style, please reach out to lauren@evoluteconsult.com
