Passive aggressive behavior is a destructive combination of anger and conflict avoidance. It often shows up as agreeing, then doing the opposite or complaining, instead of having a constructive disagreement upfront.
As a leader, it’s your job to prevent passive aggressive behavior from damaging your team’s dynamics.
Here are the steps to raising this issue with your colleague:
- Identify the concrete examples of passive aggressive behaviors and the specific changes you need.
- Think of how you could be aggravating their anger or avoidance.
- Gently draw them into a conversation.
Here’s a sample plan for how this conversation could go:
- Emphasize positive feelings about the future together.
- Acknowledge the tension and raise the issue.
- Suggest what you think may be the cause of the conflict and solicit their thoughts.
- Ask how they think the conflict should be solved (and have some initial ideas of your own).
- Decide how you will both be consistent with your new behaviors.
You will need to be cautious and tactful during this conversation. Here are some tips to help keep it on-track:
- DO make it clear that you want to understand the issue from their perspective.
- DO find instances where you can be on their side.
- DO affirm them when they are assertive and direct.
- DO NOT accuse them of being passive aggressive.
- DO NOT think this issue will be solved with a single conversation. Patience and consistency are critical.
Continue to encourage conversation and make sure you are consistent in the behaviors you promised to improve. Over time, a person with passive aggressive tendencies may feel more able to have direct conversations and hold less frustration.
